I choked a kid out in the middle of the street once on Halloween because he called me a hippo.
I was the Joker that year and I actually did the makeup and hair right so I probably looked fucking terrifying hauling ass up to him. He was probably 12 or 13 but he was being a little cunt so I chased after him and put him in a chokehold until he cried.
i haven’t told you guys a story in a while
so one time a couple summers ago i was walking around outside with some long pajama pants through some long grass
when i went back inside i went pee and then when i was pulling my pants up i ran my hand over my butt because i’m weird and i grab my butt sometimes
and then suddenly
i feel this suspicious bump on my asscheek
in a complete mode of horror i yank my pants back down and grab a mirror and do you guys know what the fuck i found
A GODDAMN TICK LEECHING OFF OF MY ASS
LMFAO NSALFJSALDF
jess just dropped all of her airheads on the floor and she just picked them up and as she did she whispered
“airheads. you’re outta control.”
oh my fucking GOD
okay earlier my friend and i wanted to order pizza right so i called little caesar’s and they’re all “sorry we don’t deliver” so i hang up, call pizza hut, and place a delivery
an hour later, i’m like “…wait we don’t have our food yet”
so i pick up my phone and i very angrily press the first foreign number on my phone
“little caesar’s, sorry, we’re closed”
“um sir i ordered a pizza like an hour ago and it’s not here.”
“…………………………..we don’t deliver”
“…………………………………………………….. -hangs up-“
(Source: quesadildo)
my cousin and i got really high at the beach once and we decided to scream underwater and see how far apart we could get before we wouldn’t be able to hear each other.
we got like forty feet omfg
in my physics class senior year, we were playing with a van de graaf generator. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s this thing that looks like a big metal ball on a thick glass pole. You stand on a plastic footstool to ground yourself so you don’t get electrocuted and then you can touch it and your hair will stick up and it’s really funny. And you can touch other people while you’re touching it and shock them.
ANYWAY
the day we were using it, this kid CJ goes up to it. he puts his hands on it and the whole class is watching and oh my god
his hair was so greasy that it didn’t move
at all
not even one strand of hair lifted off of his head
I was at Taylor’s house getting high with Devin one summer and we decided to go get some snacks from the grocery store by his house.
We leave the house and one street over this dog starts following us out of nowhere. Taylor thought it was funny and kept calling it a drug dog and saying “it knows”, and I was like “omg what if it follows us to the store LOL”
The grocery store is in view and very close and I’m like “okay well it followed us here but haha could you imagine if it went in with us?” and I was completely joking
and then
the next thing I know
the dog has followed us into the store omg.
One cashier was like “you can’t bring that dog in here” and I was like “dude it’s not mine” and everyone was like “wot” and some woman was all “I know who’s it is I’ll bring him home.”
one time (i realize that most of these start with “one time”) my mom, her boyfriend, and i were talking about different drugs and i asked her if she had ever done cocaine
she said no and i was like “yay give me a high five” and raised my hand up
and she looked at me and gave me this kind of stupid smile and laughed and said “okay i lied i didn’t want to disappoint you, your face looked so happy”
a couple of days ago at my mom’s i was digging around in the kitchen and i found a baggie of some weird-looking things in it. they looked dried and shriveled and they were behind a baggie of pot brownies so i was like “omg are these shrooms wat” so i bring it to my mom and she’s like “those look like shrooms omfg why do we have those”
so when her boyfriend comes home i’m in the kitchen holding the baggie up and my mom’s standing next to me and she’s like “richard what are these are they shrooms”
and he’s like
“those are dried yams, you fucking burnouts. for the dog”
you guys i’ve finally cracked
it’s almost 3 in the morning
i have an exam tomorrow at 10 that i have yet to even look at the books for
i just spent the last fifteen minutes laying on my back on my dog looking at him
he’s normally got long shaggy hair but it was all flat after laying under my blanket
and he shook his head and his hair like exploded around his head
and i can’t stop laughing
i’ve been laughing for fifteen minutes and repeating:
“toto”
“totooooooo why are you fluffy”
“you’re so fluffy omg toto”
“toto you’re fluffy”
i
can’t
stop
help i cracked
(the very sad part is that this is not the first time i’ve said these things to a dog, it is the second and the first time i was extremely drunk)
